New X novel - first try - be kind!!!

[The_Abyss]

OK guys – everyone else it seems is being creative and writing X stories, so I thought that I would give it a go as well. The only difference is that I would like to base mine on X2 – as it’s not out yet, I’m going to have to take a slightly different viewpoint, and leave this open-ended until the game comes out. Only then will I find out exactly what sort of threat the Khaak pose, and also make some presumptions for a possible X3 theme.

Chapter 1 – Recollection

Amatyne shifted in his chair, the dull pain from his back still causing some discomfort. The Argnu leather creaked reassuringly as he did so, the rich pleasant aroma stirring from the seat, welcoming like an old friend. He looked around his private quarters, located just off the bridge of his corvette. The normally cluttered space had been neatly tidied by the slavebot as efficiently as always, although he rarely allowed them in these days. Such was the risk (or presumed risk) from the unknown race located behind the newly constructed jump gate in Gamma Dedalus.

Screens flickered at Amatyne’s desk, and holographic images whirled. Data, displaying ship movements, trade prices and news updates rolled across them constantly. The pan-galactic news was briefly interrupted yet again by the subtle advertisements of the Goners, again requesting increased funding and contributions. Following their small yet significant contribution in the drawn out yet ultimately victorious conflict with the Khaak, they felt that a Goner temple should be constructed, space compressed, and propelled first through the new jump gate. Amatyne smiled as the propaganda continued. No matter what age, what year, he thought, the message remained the same from the religious cults.

The news flicked back, droning on with the usual monotony. Pirate activity increasing in several neutralised sectors, the long-running legalisation debate of spacefuel and more updates on the continued research into the culture and hierarchy of the Khaak. No mention that upon Amatyne’s insistence, the new jumpgate be made one-way only – that news was long since confined to history, even though the jumpgate had only just been activated and the first pilots sent through. The news was buzzing with speculation and conjecture about the new race, but Amatyne’s name was not mentioned. That brought a wry smile to the face of the ageing man, his once-jet black hair now including a distinguished blend of grey. A gentle hiss, and the small holographic image of the news expanded to fill his vision. Something relevant at last. Scientists at the Argon Prime University had made a breakthrough in establishing communication with the bird life of the native planets of the system. Amatyne leaned forward, the pains in his ageing body forgotten and listened intently. After a few seconds, the report finished, and moved on to the sports news – as expected the Xenon had again won the Fitsui Challenge, defeating the Paranid to retain the trophy for a 7th consecutive year.

Amatyne rose, and walked to his desk. His hands flicked across the screens as he checked the status of his trading empire. As he did so, he remembered back across the decades to when he had started as a freelance pilot with only a ship and a few thousand credits to his name. A long war, some astute decisions (and some lucky) and an inspired victory against the Khaak later, he marvelled at his creation – an empire to rival those of the main races, even Teladi. The data showed him that profits were still increasing, albeit at a slower pace thanks to evermore aggressive Teladi pricing. Amatyne was worth over 19 billion credits in cash alone, yet his name would not cause a flicker of recognition upon the faces of the vast majority of beings in the X universe. A brief flick of hand, and the funding for the Argon Prime University’s Avarian Project was increased by 50 million credits per year. The funds were drawn from a wide variety of factories in many systems, and would be released over a period of Earth days. Amatyne refused to be distracted by the thought of Earth and his distant blood ties to it, and flicked themonitors off. This project was going to be vital – he felt sure – alarm bells rang inside him as they had been doing for the past few days. They had not done so since the Khaak first appeared, and there was no indication that the new race would pose the same threat, nor indeed any clue as to what they were. But something was not right, something told him he had to act. Amatyne lowered his head into his hands and breathed deeply. He was old now, he told himself, too old to be involved again. Yet, despite his achievements and his vast wealth, there was no reason to continue, no drive. The gnawing feeling in his stomach told him that beyond this newly constructed jumpgate, danger lurked once again as it had before.

A holoprojector glowed into life, with the image of the Argon president, followed immediately after with another of the Boron Queen. Amatyne overrode the requests for a conference and turned them off. So they were worried too possibly. He had obviously not been clever enough in hiding his credit transfers to the university. That could wait until later. Now, he had to think. He rose, and walked over to the plasma viewing bays, looking out starboard of the corvette, Argon Prime revolved slowly below him, and the many transports in this busy system moved passed in an eyrie silence, protected by buzzing fighters. A burst of flame in the distance indicated another pirate had met his fate – no message flashed up on the screens, so it wasn’t one of his.

Amatyne returned to his chair, and lowered the blast shields over the plasma viewpoints. The room darkened, lit only by essential monitors flashing information inexorably. He opened the arm of his chair and withdrew a polished chrome egg-like pouch. A few mumbled words, and the egg split into two, revealing several wafer thin patches. Ah, he thought, spaceweed oxcillitate. At the sight of the drug, his addiction took over, yet even as it did, he knew that it must stop, he must stop. Whilst the thoughts passed, he realised he had already placed a wafer on his tongue, the effect immediate, synthesised as it was for humans. Before his eyes closed, he knew where his dreams would take him – back 3 decades, back to the Khaak…

[pixel]

Amatyne?

Who?



Good story, good descriptions. Reads well.

Not sure whats with the slavebot and why they cant be trusted tho.

Good stuff.

Keep em coming!!!!!

[pixel]

read it again.

VERY good!!

looking forward to the next installment.

[Torch]

I liked it Abyss. Are slavebots anything like cabbana boys? Just in case you don't know what a cabbana boys is (nice looking, tight butts, catering to my every whim.)

I gutta get me a slavebot

Lisa

[KiwiNZ]

very nice one! looking forward to more.

[padre]

lisa post a pic n me n the boys will see what we can do fer ya.

tight butts, catering to my every whim.)

I gutta get me a slavebot

Lisa[/quote]

[SteveMill]

Hi

Welcome to the amateur X Universe Writing Club and a promising start too. I like the atmosphere and the attention to detail in the imagey. You should definitely keep it up.

Can I make some suggestions and observations?

First, I strongly recommend you have a look at the following three books, they helped me a lot.

How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy By Orson Scott Card
How to Write A Damn Good Novel By James Frey
The 38 most common Fiction Writing Mistakes Jack Bickham

You can learn a lot of the tricks of the trade from them.

Because, and apologies if this comes across as patronising, your opening chapter shows such promise can I also offer some criticism? Or just one.

You need to focus on tightening up your prose, make it more focused and punchy. The chapter is probably about a third longer than it should be, because it is over elaborate in parts.

'Amatyne shifted in his chair, the dull pain from his back still causing some discomfort. The Argnu leather creaked reassuringly as he did so, the rich pleasant aroma stirring from the seat, welcoming like an old friend. He looked around his private quarters, located just off the bridge of his corvette. The normally cluttered space had been neatly tidied by the slavebot as efficiently as always, although he rarely allowed them in these days. Such was the risk (or presumed risk) from the unknown race located behind the newly constructed jump gate in Gamma Dedalus.'

'Gamma Dedelaus, a new jumpgate and a new potential threat to peace from the unknown race. Potential, he reminded himself, but serious enough for Amatyne to allow the Corvette slavebot to tidy his normally cluttered quarters.

One less distraction should the worst happen.

Again.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It creaked reassuringly, wrapping him in the comforting and familiar aroma of Argnu leather, welcoming like an old friend.

It did nothing for his back pain though.'


This way you get a punchy opening sentence that immediately introduces conflict, hints at a back story and shaves 20 words. The proximity to the bridge can be introduced when he leaves or someone arrives.

Keep it up, promising with an interesting premise. Feel free to totally ignore my advice of course.