[Story]: 'Of Future Heroism' - Pt.1 Of Split and Argon - Rev

[silentWitness]

'Of Future Heroism' - Pt.1 Of Split and Argon - Version 1.1

I quietly entered the school yard, it didn't particularly matter how I entered the hall, no matter what I do I still end up being the centre of attention... A few Genes have made me special, a few genes have made me a Split born to an Argon mother. My life up till then was one of fear, fear of reprisals, but most of all fear of acting on appearances. My father was a Split diplomat, sent away the same day her mother found out she was pregnant... Since then the two sides have used me as leverage in diplomatic agreements... tugged between Split and Argon hands... But today was different, for today I was in a Paranid school.

The children wore long flowing robes signifying their ranks future rank in the hierarchical society, they did not play outside their social groups and even then their games were almost entirely religious in nature. A tingling chime resonated though the entrance way, the children lined up, the most senior closest to the door, Tikerin joined the back of the que. The ornate trellising of the masters quarters snaked open revealing little more than a glimpse of the outer sanctum of the ancient cells within. An old Paranid appeared, her ornate robes embodied with talismanic symbols which glinted in the light as she moved out into the yard, with a single clap of her hands and mats and scribe pads were brought and arranged intricately around the floor, another clap and one by one the students moved to their respective mats and received their scribe pads.

With all the other students seated I looked around in horror to see if I had not seen my mat, the teacher was looking more and more impatient with me, but she said nothing, I looked around the room once again, finally I noticed a scribe pad had been left just outside the open gate, mother had said it wasn't going to be easy but I never expected this. The teacher spoke quickly, her back turned to me, I was being ignored, it was then that it began. I felt the fire build within me, the split part of me was making itself felt, the same split impulses I had always been told to control, but the older I become the worse these feeling get.

I turned to see a few passers by giving me a wide birth, when I turned back I saw that the teacher had turned towards me, "tell me class what is the most stupid life form in the universe" the teacher smirked as she spoke in Argon, I could tell that it was directed at me and that made me tremble with fury, I quietly whispered to myself to be calm but it wasn't helping. One of the near the front spoke first, "the maja snail?" "No try again" this was the cue for one of the students behind him to speak "the space fly?" "Close but not quite" suddenly one of the front students realised what was going on and enthusiastically shouted "the Split!".

It wasn't really my decision to throw my scribe pad at the teacher, it wasn't me who dragged the your son out into the promenade and threw him into the soy fountain, I remember someone doing these things, but it wasn't me... Honestly. The Priest Duke sat solemnly on his throne looking at his bedraggled son lying in shock in an ornate cot, the size and shape of a small coffin. The Argon ambassador humbled himself before the Duke, who was not in the lest bit impressed, the ambassador even got down on his knees and begged for his forgiveness, with a simple hand gesture the Argon was dismissed, bowing all the way, then to my shock and surprise a Split strolled into casually up to the throne, stopping only to give the cot a little kick, depositing its half drowned occupant on the floor much to the disgust of the Duke, I couldn't hear what the split said but it only lasted a brief moment before he took my hand and slowly helped me out of the room without even waiting for a reply from the Duke.

As I stared up into his face wondering how he was able to do that without being executed! The tall split simply smiled at me... I looked around at the faces around me, they were filled with disgust, in Paranid society all forms of touching is thought of as unclean and so avoided. Suddenly I saw the gate he was taking me back, I tried to pull away but his gentle hands reassured me. When I entered the yard much had changed, there was a definite smell of fear in the room, the other students sat in the same catatonic state as the Dukes son, the teacher sat as defiantly as usual but you could see the fear in her eyes... The split sat me down on a comfy pillow which lay on an ornate mat, similar to the teachers robes. It had been a strange day but as a Hybrid every day is strange!
Should I continue to release? comments?

[Al]

Its a good start. There are a lot of typos and grammatical errors but nothing too serious. I'd like to read more and even if noone else replies I'm sure others will too.

Al

PS If you are going to continue and want a hand with the grammar etc just ask.

[sai-ku]

It's utter rubbish!

[SteveMill]

It's utter rubbish!

Come on, that's a bit harsh. Creativity is to be encouraged, as is the use of the full stop.

It's an interesting choice of subject and setting but let down badly by punctuation and grammar, making it very hard to read.

Short sentences are the writer's friend, way too many compound sentences here.

Feel free to totally ignore this but if I were you i'd produce a second draft with punctuation and grammar corrected, something easy on the eye. The imagination is clearly there to produce something interesting. Don't be discouraged by our feedback, come back fighting. It has the makings of an intersting story.

[Mercenary]

sW..

Just a couple of quick observations, you've gone from 3rd person persective in the first para to 1st person in the second and third.


Also the Priest Dukes' child changed sex in this sentence and then back again at the start of the next para...

"it wasn't me who dragged the your son out into the promenade and threw her into the soy fountain,"


Don't get disheartened by any of the responses, if you've got a story you feel like writing then feel free! It'll take a few efforts to find a writing style that fits into most peoples tastes. Perhaps if you take a look at the other comments and spend a little time rewriting this then people will be a little bit more responsive...

If you'd like any pre-post reading done to get some early feedback then let us know..


Merc.

[Moss]

Yes i'd like to read more, an interesting subject, and good to read, tho I must say I prefer smaller blocks of text when reading off a monitor.

[padre]

silentwitness, imagination its what most of us share in this forum, let it run free. without it there would be no xgame forum...

[Stormsong]

More please!

cheers
JadeElf

[silentWitness]

Thank's all those who posted... Revised Edition loaded...

Part Two is coming!!! and them Part 3 ! and 4 and 5 Until you scream! NO MORE SILENT!!!!

But seriously yes part 2 is almost complete...

Perhaps I should explain what I was trying to do... We've all played X and all know the species involved but we don't particularly know any of them... Using all the Info that you get I decided to pick on a topic I know would hit a few nerves, relations with the split and give it a twist... I also tried to flesh out a few societies... Notably the Paranid hierarchy. But most of all I tried to show a side of the split that most would not expect to see. That of the family Split, the split outside the ship. I tried to make the Split into people... Like in 'In the lap of space flies' (which is still archived somewhere on this Forum) my other big story I tried to make the seem smarter than they are often portrayed. I admire many of the Split's traits, their devotion to family, their fiery sprit, their choice of architecture and construction (the Mamba!). On saying that my loyalties are still firmly placed with the Xenon.